Well, it's about time for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was sitting at the eye doctor's office today, feeling nervous about, well, everything, and feeling annoyed about this additional optometrist appointment, saddled as I was with stacks of various forms for the doc to fill out on all 5 of us. All of a sudden, I reached for the only paper I had, which happened to be the local newspaper, and scribbled the following notes onto the front page, near the headline bar: "Wait, I've been nervous all along, and anticipating staying nervous. This is BAD! This _whole thing_ is about change, so I need to embrace it!! Every one of these appointments, these tasks, every scrap of paper on the floor, every box; this is what I wanted! This is all a part of it! Change your attitude quickly, girl!"
See, I realized that "living abroad" doesn't just happen by my walking out my front door, turning left onto Woodbine, and voila! - being in a different country. No, sweet Jane, it involves every single bit of work that it takes to get there. China = the work now. China = not seeing my floors due to debris strewn everywhere as if one had taken 4 giant industrial-strength fans and pointed them at every object in my home to see how far they can scatter. China = Mess. China = Here. Now. Isn't that weird?
I had wanted my mind to be stretched, my horizons expanded, my self to grow. One area I knew I would change in is my need for certainty, for order - The Plan - even if only I could see it, or even if it meant my house was a disaster while I chose to focus on other more interesting areas in my life. With all this packing, purging, others going through my stuff, and making lots of decisions but not all, I have not had order, and there have been many deviations from The Plan. Already I'm being forced to be more adaptable. And if I do grumble and throw hissy fits about these changes, already I'm having to get out of my funk in a jiffy, because there's no time to spare. Hence, these opportunities for growth, for these revelations, see?
The other area that's been bothering me is that I have been feeling simultaneously very, very needy of people's time, energy and help, and quite disappointed when some of it doesn't work out. Because of Dave's accident and then because of this move, this has been one of the neediest times of my life. "Will you please watch my kids?" "Will you please take some of my furniture into your already-limited attic space?" "Will you help us move very heavy boxes or otherwise engage in lots of menial and/or back-breaking labor around here?" Then, when plans fall through, or people back out, I'm feeling not only frantic about last-minute begging to yet more *other* people, but also distressed about and mistrustful of people's abilities to commit and follow through.
So the other part of my revelation is that I'm also learning with this overseas-move-even-though-I'm-not-even-overseas-yet how to cope with people's natural needs to back out, with their changes in life plans, with their basic make-up, some of them, as not as organized or, yes, somewhat flaky. Again, I'm learning to deal with change, with patterns I'm unaccustomed to, with moving on.
Hey, at least I've got friends here to ask for help from! Dave pointed out that all these challenges aren't even the hardest of it all. At least we know the customs here and can read the street signs. This is just the beginning of it; figuring out China and our family in China will be a much greater challenge. Yes, it hurts now and yes, there are growing pains. Yes, we're divesting of every material thing and slowly, of seeing friends whom we love here. But at least I can see that there is growth. I can re-train my brain to deal with greater amounts of disorder and change. And I can embrace the friends and control that I do have, as we all balance between self and other, growth and status quo, here and there.
Namaste -
Jane
Friday, April 10, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What is the meaning of life?
Today was a hard day. Not only can I not see any floor in my house due to all the packing - 2 weeks and 2 days 'til we move! - but I also took a continuing education course for my realty license (in holding, just to use whenever we sell/buy again). Dave has just finished his 5th week home after the bicycle incident/surgery/etc.
But then a mom from X's school e-mailed me her packing to-do list. She moves every year to every 5 years, depending on her Air Force husband's next assignment. She hardly saves anything; for example, she saved only one outfit from each of her 3 children from the 0-3-month size.
To me, as I trip over plastic this and trash that, dealing with my physical stuff begs the question, "What is the meaning of life?" When I see that people can strip down their lives to very few material possessions, I get uncomfortable. It's been ingrained in me, due to nature and nurture, to equate stuff = happiness. Stuff = who you are/have been/your past/your present. ACK! I'm getting rid of tons of my stuff; therefore, I'm getting rid of my identity, no?!
Where's the enlightened-Buddha feeling I'm supposed to have? Where's the realization that people who have been freed from material possessions can focus on What's Really Important in Life?
I told the mom in the playground at drop-off that I appreciated her packing check-list, and I said, "Brace yourself, for it really got me wondering, "What is the meaning of life?" Without missing a beat, she chuckled and said, "Next, I'll send you all my inspirational quotes." Good enough. But then she continued, "It's in the people you meet, one or two at every stop, whom you hold dear to you, because of whom your Christmas-card-sending list actually becomes meaningful and longer." She got me at "people." With tears welling and face reddening, I excused myself, admitting that I had to go cry now.
I've not been the best to those people closest to me - my family. I've had enough of my messy and dirty place, and my frustration has been carried out onto my children and husband. Maybe that's the source of my holding on to my physical stuff; the relational stuff just isn't quite "there" yet. This is a humbling realization and a powerful connection: as I sort through, pack and get rid of material stuff, I am stripped to my bare essence and that's what I have left to offer to people. Scary concept, especially when I need to work on what I can offer my family. But I'll do it. As I head into Good Friday tomorrow, as I greet my children and spouse in the new day and days to come, I pray for the clarity, will and strength to face that stripped-down self, be proud of who I see, and offer that to my family and to the world.
Namaste -
Jane
But then a mom from X's school e-mailed me her packing to-do list. She moves every year to every 5 years, depending on her Air Force husband's next assignment. She hardly saves anything; for example, she saved only one outfit from each of her 3 children from the 0-3-month size.
To me, as I trip over plastic this and trash that, dealing with my physical stuff begs the question, "What is the meaning of life?" When I see that people can strip down their lives to very few material possessions, I get uncomfortable. It's been ingrained in me, due to nature and nurture, to equate stuff = happiness. Stuff = who you are/have been/your past/your present. ACK! I'm getting rid of tons of my stuff; therefore, I'm getting rid of my identity, no?!
Where's the enlightened-Buddha feeling I'm supposed to have? Where's the realization that people who have been freed from material possessions can focus on What's Really Important in Life?
I told the mom in the playground at drop-off that I appreciated her packing check-list, and I said, "Brace yourself, for it really got me wondering, "What is the meaning of life?" Without missing a beat, she chuckled and said, "Next, I'll send you all my inspirational quotes." Good enough. But then she continued, "It's in the people you meet, one or two at every stop, whom you hold dear to you, because of whom your Christmas-card-sending list actually becomes meaningful and longer." She got me at "people." With tears welling and face reddening, I excused myself, admitting that I had to go cry now.
I've not been the best to those people closest to me - my family. I've had enough of my messy and dirty place, and my frustration has been carried out onto my children and husband. Maybe that's the source of my holding on to my physical stuff; the relational stuff just isn't quite "there" yet. This is a humbling realization and a powerful connection: as I sort through, pack and get rid of material stuff, I am stripped to my bare essence and that's what I have left to offer to people. Scary concept, especially when I need to work on what I can offer my family. But I'll do it. As I head into Good Friday tomorrow, as I greet my children and spouse in the new day and days to come, I pray for the clarity, will and strength to face that stripped-down self, be proud of who I see, and offer that to my family and to the world.
Namaste -
Jane
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