two break-throughs

Well, it's about time for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I was sitting at the eye doctor's office today, feeling nervous about, well, everything, and feeling annoyed about this additional optometrist appointment, saddled as I was with stacks of various forms for the doc to fill out on all 5 of us. All of a sudden, I reached for the only paper I had, which happened to be the local newspaper, and scribbled the following notes onto the front page, near the headline bar: "Wait, I've been nervous all along, and anticipating staying nervous. This is BAD! This _whole thing_ is about change, so I need to embrace it!! Every one of these appointments, these tasks, every scrap of paper on the floor, every box; this is what I wanted! This is all a part of it! Change your attitude quickly, girl!"

See, I realized that "living abroad" doesn't just happen by my walking out my front door, turning left onto Woodbine, and voila! - being in a different country. No, sweet Jane, it involves every single bit of work that it takes to get there. China = the work now. China = not seeing my floors due to debris strewn everywhere as if one had taken 4 giant industrial-strength fans and pointed them at every object in my home to see how far they can scatter. China = Mess. China = Here. Now. Isn't that weird?

I had wanted my mind to be stretched, my horizons expanded, my self to grow. One area I knew I would change in is my need for certainty, for order - The Plan - even if only I could see it, or even if it meant my house was a disaster while I chose to focus on other more interesting areas in my life. With all this packing, purging, others going through my stuff, and making lots of decisions but not all, I have not had order, and there have been many deviations from The Plan. Already I'm being forced to be more adaptable. And if I do grumble and throw hissy fits about these changes, already I'm having to get out of my funk in a jiffy, because there's no time to spare. Hence, these opportunities for growth, for these revelations, see?

The other area that's been bothering me is that I have been feeling simultaneously very, very needy of people's time, energy and help, and quite disappointed when some of it doesn't work out. Because of Dave's accident and then because of this move, this has been one of the neediest times of my life. "Will you please watch my kids?" "Will you please take some of my furniture into your already-limited attic space?" "Will you help us move very heavy boxes or otherwise engage in lots of menial and/or back-breaking labor around here?" Then, when plans fall through, or people back out, I'm feeling not only frantic about last-minute begging to yet more *other* people, but also distressed about and mistrustful of people's abilities to commit and follow through.

So the other part of my revelation is that I'm also learning with this overseas-move-even-though-I'm-not-even-overseas-yet how to cope with people's natural needs to back out, with their changes in life plans, with their basic make-up, some of them, as not as organized or, yes, somewhat flaky. Again, I'm learning to deal with change, with patterns I'm unaccustomed to, with moving on.

Hey, at least I've got friends here to ask for help from! Dave pointed out that all these challenges aren't even the hardest of it all. At least we know the customs here and can read the street signs. This is just the beginning of it; figuring out China and our family in China will be a much greater challenge. Yes, it hurts now and yes, there are growing pains. Yes, we're divesting of every material thing and slowly, of seeing friends whom we love here. But at least I can see that there is growth. I can re-train my brain to deal with greater amounts of disorder and change. And I can embrace the friends and control that I do have, as we all balance between self and other, growth and status quo, here and there.

Namaste -

Jane